Bank Holiday Moans

$_80 (1)Yep, even the Bank Holidays annoy me. well not that I’m prejudiced to any particular day of the week but more those that moan about it. so lets put this into perspective, what is a day.

24 hours, 1440 Minutes, 86400 seconds to be precise impressed? (yes I googled it.) So on this so called spare 1440 minutes what were people doing? A day of charity, chocolate or Jeremy Kyle no doubt. It’s not so much the bank holiday that annoys me, more the panic buying or bread milk and everything else with 1 pence of at the supermarket. Like there’s going to be some kind of bank holiday apocalypse and we’ll all have to live under ground for a few months without running water and a designated place to poop.
I’ve nearly forgotten the bank holiday sales, buy or thing at 10% off the already inflated 20% more expensive price else where! Forget any hope of finding a car park space, or even any employee at the shop you were intending of going. Better of placing bets of which eye you’ll poke yourself in first.

iPhone 6 release

iphone 6 failAs an Apple fan it almost pains me to do this, but has the world gone mad? Just seen a article about a bloke (a self employed builder) in Birmingham whos camped somewhere in the Bullring to be the first guy to buy an iPhone 6. Not meaning to sound harsh – well yes actually I am, but what the actual f*ck? If someone offered me unlimited cider, a winning lottery ticket or  a night with 4 swedish blonde women, I’d perhaps last 3 hours before the thought of pizza took over. Three whole days of your life wasted waiting outside a shop, to buy something put together from precious metals you didn’t know existed by kids in China. It would appear the world has gone mad, yet I just remain hungry. I’d sooner be fat and sane, than stupid.

Isis, more dumb terorrists

terrorists everywhere

terrorists everywhere

First of all, rather than honor a name they gave themselves from now on I am going to refer to Isis as bellends. Not only am I annoyed at this particular group, there actions and rants over the internet, im also annoyed about the media and their coverage of the bellends. If we were to ban all coverage of there opinions, events and threats on all media in the UK they would soon think twice about releasing videos. Not only that but faceboook seems to support these videos being shared across social networks, yet an innocent photo of a woman breast feeding is removed in less than 10 mins. whilst I dont want to see your hairy arse hanging out (lee! lol) , or nipples everywhere, I’d much prefer it over some beaded bellend threatening a British man on his knees begging for mercy. now onto the negotiation point that these bellends use. Beheading has never been a successful for of negotiation, its never worked and never will work. Biscuits or wine usually work far better. Now underestimate the power of a bourbon!

Being single is now a disease

Lloyd and annoyed annoyed lloydSometimes I get asked if I’m single. Fair enough, I’ll quite happily tell and talk to most people but I’m really started to get very annoyed by the reactions I get when I say I’m single. I suppose if I were to personify it, think of going to a dog rescue place, you know that sympathetic ….”awww why hasn’t no one taken you home let?” yeah that’s the one, or that face you make when you stand on a snail. Almost immediately after the dog home snail face, you get the look up and down like some kind of airport scanner (except they aren’t looking for IED’s – they’re looking for an extra leg,  birth mark the size of your mum or a third nipple).

I love my kids so much, 10 mins later I cant wait until they go bed

I love my kids so much, until they do my head in

I love my kids so much, until they do my head in

Increasingly common on Facebook now is the post about their kids. You know the ones “I love my little family so much” or my particular favourite “Pauls so cute, I’m so proud of him) blah blah blah. Yes thats lovely, but its almost like clockwork when I see “OMG, they are doing my head in today, I can’t cope – does anyone have Bruce Willis’s phone number please?) well all except the Bruce willis part but thats what I get from it anyway. Almost as if its gonna be another blockbuster film when the world ends. I’d like to show my support by saying please don’t post it on facebook, keep it to yourself, right it in a little book, or maybe carve it into some wood if it helps you out. I can’t think of anything more boring or tedious to hear about what you kids done this week, or what you’ve stopped them doing. Please spend more time teaching your kids the real important stuff in life, like learn to chug a drink or draw a funny picture of a relative on a phonebook. Thanking you, Lloyd

He said you said she said you said

There nothing more annoying then a game of Chinese whispers you weren’t invited to. When things are said across/through/between people so many times that no one can really remember what was said or who said it. But why do all of this if your message and intentions become crowded and a waste of time. It’s like asking someone you don’t know to pick a drink for you in pub, and ending up with a pack of pork scratchings and a black eye.
If you have something to say, say it. Nothing great was ever achieved by whispering.

Time machine Dentist

Dentist edition

Dentist edition

No its not that your appointments due its time to rewind time to avoid them again. Had a call last week from the dentist saying I hadn’t been in awhile (naughty of me I know) but in all honesty why would I want to?  I mean it no wonder no one ever really wants to go is it? you sit there in some decrepit room wondering where all the stains on the wall come from (where they from people who tried to crawl their way out to escape the boredom?) sitting in whats possibly the most uncomfortable chair know to man (a pile of sharp rocks in the corner would be better) you have only two more things to do, stare and anxious victim, I mean patient next to you whilst giving them the “this is rather crap” smile, or pickup a copy of the National Geographic magazine which is so old half the animals featured are now extinct.

Personally I want a pool table, darts board and a few tablets to play with in the room, some up to date newspapers, maybe a tv screen featuring news headlines that I can moan about, is that too much to ask?

Roadworks

Hmmm

My local town, and pretty much everywhere I’ve been recently is plagued by roadworks. Ugly orange cones, poorly built barriers and not a single work man (/woman) in sight.
I know they have to work on the roads, and important utility works to improve services and traffic flow, but I cant help but feel its done just for the sake of it or it just to annoy us folk trying to go about our daily business.Heres my experience anyway…

So day one, they tear up the road, put some traffic lights all over the place and conveniently pick the busiest road in your local town.

Day two, some workmen show up dig some holes, rev some machinery up and bring some brightly colored plastic pipes which they will leave next to the holes.

Day three, everyone leaves the site in the early hours of the morning and wont return until the day before the roadworks are due to end. Several weeks in between local people express their anguish using carefully selected words…..

several weeks after that, the road is eventually poorly patched back up, no ones really notices any difference other than it no longer takes 14 hours to get from one side of town to the other.

Asda ask the obvious

asda grr

24 Hour Lie

6298_10151634500431066_402303944_nDear Tesco, please stop with this pathetic attempt to impress customers by bragging you open 24 Hours, when you actually don’t. How you’ve got away with this for so long I’ll never know but I’m fairly certain had it have been any other company they would be six feet under by now.

So from now on whenever I say 24, I actually mean 16 or there abouts.